apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
