your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
