I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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