so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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