Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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