She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
