I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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