I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
