I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
