im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
