My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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