im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
