How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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