I'm gonna have a badass scar
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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