It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
