by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
