I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
