God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Please, let me fuck your mom
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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