my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
