im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
