Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
