Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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