I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
