yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
