she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
