I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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