Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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