you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I want a musical about memes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
