lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
