this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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