oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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