when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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