if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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