Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
