I smell stomach acid.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
