Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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