I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
