I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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