I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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