I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
