It's Friday. Sex?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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