my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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