i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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