Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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