What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
