He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
