i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
