Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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