There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
