apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
