I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
