My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
