Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
